I think this is one of the most tragic, widespread, and potent psychological warfare against the family. Granted I’m a guy and in a sense have no business talking about ‘how hard it is being a girl dealing with body image’. No doubt. However, my closest friends are all girls and I’m a pretty analytical person. Also I can see how society’s doctrine of body image affects guys. That’s right, I think guys are consumers of it too (obviously not like girls are affected, but brainwashed just the same). I’m framing it as the umbrella tragedy that in a large way powers:
Eating Disorders, Pornography, Girl’s Low Self Confidence, Guys being Pigs, Infidelity, etc…
There’s SO much to say on the subject, I don’t even know where to start. I won’t do it justice, but for the moment will simply offer a few musings.
Girls and Boys alike are bombarded with images that misrepresent the ideal: tall, thin, blonde, hot, preferably made of plastic… etc. (Between you and me, I don’t like the skinny blonde type, but you didn’t need to know that). Why is the ‘ideal’ (and I use that term very loosely) body type so prevalent in all media? Simply put:
Sex sells. It really does.
If there is a dude selling a product on TV… meh. But if a Hot Girl is selling it, you have my full attention. Even if it’s foot powder. Also what I find odd is watching sitcoms and stuff- the male stars are just average looking dudes. Even not so attractive and overweight guys. But their wives and female co-stars are always beautiful. Anyone else notice that the physical standards for being a star are very biased?
Pick up any teen or girly magazine (no, not Playboy girly, like Cosmo girly) and you’re bound to find articles about how to be thin, lose weight, how to get guys, and they show what is/is not attractive. Whenever I see girls reading those magazines (including my mom and sister) I feel sad. Sad that the indoctrination is so incredibly widespread… and often subliminal! Some girls never even realize they’re affected by it until one day they step back and look at what they are eating (or NOT eating), how much they’re exercising, how afraid they are of scales and mirrors, and how they see themselves. While dieting for health reasons is important and a good idea, soooo many girls I know are already very thin– even underweight — and continue dieting. If you were to hear some of the conversations that go on, you would think these girls were overweight, but they’re not! I’m sure you’ve heard or been in conversations recently where girls fret over this stuff.
More girls suffer from eating disorders, or forms of it than one would think. I don’t know how the BYU community compares to other girls, but I’d bet it’s at least comparable if not worse. I say possibly worse only because the focus of our culture can set girls up for eating disorders: 1) You need to get married like yesterday! 2) To attract a mate in Provo you have to be very hot, talented, spiritual, a domestic dream, and all around Perfect (Myth). Striving to be perfect is depressing to say the least. (As a side note: The Church doesn’t ask us to be perfect, only to do our best- some people confuse that and along without understanding the Atonement find themselves in a downward spiral).
Being a clinical psychology major, having worked as a psychological counselor with teenage girls, I actually do know a thing or two more than most guys about the struggles girls go through. So girl I know doesn’t have a clinical DSM-IV eating disorder but definitely has a detrimental problem. She will never eat more than a salad or a few bits of fruit. Another girl I know has a pencil for a mother. I’ve heard her mother talk about how she wishes that she could lose some weight, while her daughter is right in front of her!! Now her daughter is thin too, but she does have wider child-bearin’ hips than her mother does and she is self conscious about. Shame on mom I say. If I could tell parents one thing it would be this: Be so so so careful the message you give to your daughters. NEVER EVER joke that she is fat. Mom, be careful criticizing yourself; your daughters are paying much more attention than you think. That goes for you too Dad- be careful of how you talk about and look at women. Have you seen the movie What Dreams May Come in which Robin Williams talks to his daughter in heaven? Remember why the daughter wanted to be an Asian woman?
Ladies, the truth of the matter is: the kind of guy you want is the guy who will like you 98% for who you are on the inside. There definitely has to be a physical attraction, but ya know what- if you find someone’s personality attractive, they become more physically attractive. Also, I can tell you that no matter what your body type- there are guys out there that are attracted to you. Without disclosing too much, for example, my uncle, myself, and my roommate all like very different girls.
That’s right, I submit to you that boys are subjected to it too very strongly, but obviously in different ways. They grow up seeing that Alpha Males get the Hotties. They watch who movie stars, rappers, and rich men hook up with- Barbie dolls. And they think to themselves, “hey! I want to be a winner! I must associate myself with those kind of girls!” I truly believe that sexuality can be, at least partially, learned. We can train ourselves to like certain types of people. For sure there are plenty of guys out there who genuinely are attracted to those stereotypical girls, but other males come to associate certain characteristics with Desirable. I’ll throw out one example- my uncle. He likes overweight women. That’s who he finds attractive, and that’s who he married. Good for him I say. But think about what that would be like with the pressures of social norms bearing down on him? It would be easy for him to be ashamed of the girl he likes and not brag to his friends of the girl he’s taking out on Friday. I think this is a terrible terrible situation in our culture. Why do we care so much about what other people think? Then these boys go after the kinds of girls they are told to. In turn, girls pay close attention to this and the boy’s actions just reaffirm what they are told by the media—that they are NOT it. There are some girls that size up themselves (maybe pun intended) and say, “Hmmm… I’m pretty close, I’m cute and all, but society shows me that guys are intimidated by smart independent girls, so I better dumb it down a notch.” I think that’s quite a shame when girls feel they have to be inferior and helpless to be desirable. What robbery of self. Makes me mad.
There’s so much else to say, but I’ll leave it at that for tonight. Even the strongest of LDS girls I know- the ones that seem to be ‘above it all’ and really have a grasp on the iron rod- even they admit that they find it hard at times to keep eyes upwards the clouds of darkness. What do you think should be considered on this subject? I’d love your two cents.
Filed under: PHILOSOPHY, PSYCHOLOGY
Good post. I found your insights at the end about guys particularly interesting, since I’m not male, obviously. I’ve always found it intriguing that the ads in both men (Maxim, say) and women’s (Cosmo) magazines feature women, usually naked, always beautiful. The female body is what is marketed to both genders, and it’s a very particular female body.
I think that one of the ways that the Church can best combat this plague is to focus on what is truly important and what makes a person who they are, and it’s not their body or their appearance (I can rant about modesty talks later). It also has nothing to do with dating or being married; there should be less lessons/firesides/talks on relationships and how to get married and more on drawing closer to Christ, having faith, etc. etc.
How do you know Ben?
Zillah, all I can say is Amen. How do I know Ben… well he’s my ex-girlfriend’s old roommate’s choir-friend’s big brother. lol, I know, I get around. I’ve had a lot of talks with him at his house- he’s a great guy, I admire him a lot. Also, I’ve seen Bored in Vernal’s post on the modesty talk and like you said about my post, since I’m not a girl I thought it was fascinating to hear a female perspective on it and though she did a great job. I had never really thought of how girls could be frustrated by it, yet I can definitely see how ya’ll can then feel responsible for boy’s thoughts. While there are definitely some girls in my home ward that displayed their bodies as more of museums than temples and needed some guidance, I agree that the best way to help people is promote faith- once people gain greater faith, all other digressions fade as they choose to conform to the will of God. Anyway, I’d love to read your post on modesty!
How Do I Loose Weight?
Sorry, that wasn’t the purpose of the post. Furthermore I don’t know besides the basics: eating healthy, being active, etc.
I have an eating disorder and I’m a teenage girl- the most common victims. So many girls at school, and ALL the girls in pictures from the media, are skinny. So you think that if you are fat if you’re not like that. it’s sad but true andit really hurts to go through this. I’m scared of tummy bulges A LOT. It’s the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me, getting anorexia, and the horriblest part is that it’s so strong. I do not know how to eat and think normally anymore. I don’t know if I ever will be able to…
I hate that the media shows so many skinny girls!!!!!!!!!!! I still have hope though, and only because of ONE reason- God.
http://www.2medusa.com/2008/12/to-girl-who-said-she-wants-to-be.html
I found this really interesting. It’s always cool to me to hear what men think, and I’d like to add my own insight into it as someone suffering from anorexia.
It seems like a lot of guys, yourself included, assume that anorexia is almost an unconscious thing, and made obvious by aversive behaviour, but remember this the next time you have suspicions: a lot of us are sneaky and desperate, and you can’t always trust even a girl who’s just doing, say, a grapefruit diet, to be honest. She might not have an eating disorder, but she may lie to you about what she’s really eating, and that’s where this all starts.
Remember that, because I wish somebody had known before I became so obsessed myself. Even ‘detoxes’ and ‘cleanses’ aren’t harmless. You can get addicted to losing weight, and it’s just as dangerous as any other addiction.